Mina!

Me too, but what I'm learning is that it's not the challenge that seems to be difficult, it's how I handle the challenge.  Learning to get through everyday challenges is challenge in itself right?  Do I get mad, do I just let it go, to I take it face on, do I sleep on it and look at it with fresh eyes?  Well, my answer is yes to all of the above, even the getting mad.  I am really starting to understand my "authentic" challenged self, in that I must show instant, and usually dramatic, emotion at the onset of a challenge.  Does that get me anywhere?  Well, yes it does, it allows me to move forward.  While some people may not understand my instant emotion, whatever reaction it may be based on that particular circumstance, I know it is necessary in order for me to move on.  If I don't blow up right away, or cry, or get mad, or mash someone it the big toe, then I will harbour.  And believe me, harboured feelings usually end up in a one month blow out and the loss of friends, respect... and inevitably several apologies for my behaviour.  Those closest to me have come accustomed to my 5 at the most 10 minute emotional bomb, but then I'm done.  Truely.  A lost job, a death in the family, spilt juice on my laptop by baby Mina... give me my 10 minute space to lose my mind and I will return ready to let it go, face it, give myself time and finally move on.

Don't let the challenges in your life have power over you, instead learn to find the power within yourself to take the challenge.

I've Got Hope!

Authentic self - Part 1, I AM. 

I keep hearing this Authentic Self statement over and over again lately, and have tried to define for myself exactly what that means.  Either it's the catch catch phrase of 2010, or I've just been out the loop for a bit, but I have a feeling Authentic self, simply means being and living who you truely are.

To even comprehend who I am, authentically, I have to dig down relatively deep.  Which by the way I've been doing for approximately two weeks now, and the strangest thing has happened.  As I try to determine who I am and how to live my life accordingly, I revert back to my childhood, to my very early years when it wasn't about who I was going to become or what I wanted to be when I got older.  At about 4 years old my authentic self had no illusions.  Feet firmly planted and mind completely set, if you asked me what I wanted to be, I'd of told you "I am a storyteller".  Note, not "I want" to be a storyteller, I "am".

How powerful are the words "I am"?  Probably the most import words you'll ever use.  I am 31 years old.  I am a mother.  I am overweight.  I am married to an amazing man.   I am employed.  I am not living the life I want...  Do you see where I am going with this?

I believe your "authentic self" is a power position and "I am" is a power statement.  Can you powerfully state your position in life?  If so, congrats, you are that much closer to your authentic self.  As for me, I've got miles to go, because I cannot justifyingly say "I am" to anything other than the obvious as listed above.

I challenge you this week to start on your path of discovery to your authentic self and see if it leads you any closer to fulfilling your passion project.

I've Got Hope!

Amanda

There is so much going on... finally... it feels as though life is going as quickly as the the stuff running around in my head.  Had my WI this week with weight watchers.  It's amazing how a simple loss or gain can really dictate the rest of my week.  I know very much that this is an issue that needs to be delt with.  Every time I loose I really take control of my next steps.  Everytime I gain I throw it to the wind (not a good thing and nothing like throwing it out to the universe with purpose).

Started on a new book this week, adding it to the challenge.  I will be making an effort to really promote African American romances and authors as much as possible.  There is a need for more of this with Canadian content, but it just seems to be vacant... I will look and search and eventually it will grow.

I also found this great challenge... 10 for 10.  Do ten things and $10 will be donated.  I will use this as my inspiration as I work on developing my list of 40 things to do before I turn 40.  Doing 10 things for 10 people is really really going to be fun I think.  As long as it is realistic.  So I really need to make an effort to think where and who I am going to contact before I do so.

Should be fun, I feel full of life again.  It's been awhile.

A tough question I seem to ask myself over and over and over again.  I know what I have to do, but I always complain of being too tired this or too tired that.  And yet I can find a million things to do to procastinate.  Like blog ;)

I took a whole 10 minutes to sit in the dark and ask myself, self... what is the skeleton in the closet that has been sitting there the longest.  No surprise it would be the beating up of myself over my weight and how I look.   Resolution... well if I had one I wouldn't be talking about it again would I.  But the truth of the matter is this, it absolutely is the oldest skeleton in my closet.  Ever since the first Pageant I entered.  Which is why I am seriously thinking about entering another pageant in August.  Two birds killed with one stone.  Even if I wouldn't win, I know that if I entered it this time I would understand the politics and know that to win you have to play the game.  And if the game isn't won, it's not because I didn't play the game well, it's because it's a game that's not meant for me to play.

Now how the hell do I get into that swimsuit?

There is absolutely no way around it.  When you make changes to your life so that you can live not only the way you want to be, but need to in order to have the things you want, it is a very very difficult process.  There really are only two major things that I am working on right now that require a massive effort.  Keeping my house in order on a daily basis so that I don't have to clean every Saturday for like 5 hours and working out in the morning.  At this point in my life I am tired all the time anyways so it doesn't really matter if I am up in the morning much earlier.  I never want to get out of bed so what is the big deal right?  But the last couple nights have be exhausting.  I know it will all work out,  but getting to that point, yikes.  The reason I choose the morning is because at night, I'm done.  I will not work out after 8p... I just won't!  So up at 6 and we'll go from there.  I am trying to wean myself into getting up by 5a so that I can have an hour to myself to write as well.  We'll see how well that works.

Secondly is having my house in order, meaning everything is organized and scheduled to a point where it is just going to become second nature for all of us.  And maybe just maybe if I can follow through with this it will teach my daughter to do the same things which will teach her children so on and so forth.  If a pattern is established, especially one that works and is positive, it's worth the effort.  Right not, the big thing really is staying on top of the laundry, and keeping the kitchen tidy.  there is so many other things to, the list can go on like recycle right away.  Go through the bills right away and file.  File the kids stuff from school right away.  Right now I'll just get a good laundry and dinner schedule... tonight it even allowed me 40 minutes to play barbies with Mamaylia.

Well on to my passion project.  Again, trying to get in one hour at a minimum a day.

Cheers,

A

The signs are everywhere!  Every time I turn around I get another "sign" that I'm on the right track.  Yesterday out of the blue, there was this movie about gargoyles... a topic I've been working on feverishly this week.  Low and behold... the basis of their story and the rock they are built from is exactly the name of the series I've been tossing around... aaaanddd... I decided I wanted the mythology to have a deep french and cajun type feel, low and behold this story was based in France. 

~ Blood Stone ~ coming soon.

I can not spend anymore time on planning this or planning that.  Mina! is my heart and soul and I have to let it grow organically, or it will never be more than a seed.  As I let go and believe I hope to open the doors to letting in more.  The nation's captial has so much to offer, and I am a willing recipiant.  With arms wide open, and dreams as big as they can be, I have a feeling that 2010 is going to be the year for doing. The plan?  Shut up and do.

I can't believe what it took to find my way here.  But I made it.  Finally.  I can't believe it took writing a romance novel to finally make me realize and CLEARLY understand what my purpose is.  I posted the other day that the only way you can stay true to yourself is by sticking to what you know and being open to learn the rest.

I am not an African American.  I am not sure if I'm a African Canadian... or whatever other category there is out there, and I have spent the last 30 years trying to fit myself in a box so that I can associate with someone, some culture, some ethnicity some race.  And for some reason I always thought then when I figured that out I would be saved.

If I really wanted to know there are things I could have done by now, which leads me to finally seeing that I've always known... technically I don't fit in, by definition I am black.  There is no box for me to fit in, and I can't believe I've spent so many years trying to fit into that box.

So what does that mean?

That means unlike most everyone else I can create my own box, I can create a place where I fit in, and hopefully, build a safe place for others looking for somewhere to fit in.  I've been teased my whole life about being brining home strays, who knew it was because I was one myself.  You gravitate to what you know.

Let me build a home my friends... and when it's built, please share a spot at my table.

Mina! Never give up.  You will find your way.

I've Got Hope!